Star Wars Special Episode 5!

Holy shit I’ve made five of these fucking things.  

  • The Jar Jar Theory

    Finally I’d like to talk to you all about my theory about who is behind all of- wait. What the? Who censored this? I very specifically remember making this av- *knocking* Open up, this is the Lucasfilm lawyers, we’ve got a cease and desist order with us! What? What do you guys want? You’re about to reveal delicate information about Star Wars and we can’t allow it. The truth must be known, pig-fuckres! *fighting* *panting* Oh… ok, sorry about that. I’ve been dealing with these guys all month. What I’m about to say is going to blow your fucking mind. You ready for this? I call it: “The Jar Jar Theory” I’ve figured it out. I’ve figured out who the greatest evil in the Star Wars mythos is. And its none other than this orange rabbit fucker right here. Jar Jar fucking Binks. AKA DARTH PLAGUS. Yeah. Yeeeeeaahh. Let me explain. This is how Jar Jar’s thought process went: We know that in the beginning Anakin wasn’t probably ever going to be a Jedi, even though if weren’t for him he would have never fell in love with Padme and chose the dark side, thus destroying the jedi so the sith would never be able to rule the galaxy. So how do we get him? Well, we need to get some jedi to him so that they can sense he has force abilities and try to bring him into the Jedi order and we need to introduce him to Padme at a young age so he’ll build up his lust for

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her indefinitely. Jar Jar knows he needs an army to completely destroy the jedi, he is afterall one man, and there aren’t enough sith in the galaxy to help him. So he creates the clones. He’s the one who sent Dooku there in the first place to plant order 66 into their brains. So then he creates a reason for the Jedi order to send someone to Naboo. So, he drugstore canada pharmacy practice convinces the trade federation to blockade the home planet of the queen whom Jar Jar has already sensed would become the love interest to darth vader. After that, there are a thousand places on Naboo that Jar Jar could be, especially when he sees thousands 100mg viagra picture of droid ships landing on the planet, he chooses of all places the exact place the Jedi are landing on the planet. After all Jar Jar can breath underwater, even as stupid as we perceive him to be, he could still just jump into the water and swim somewhere else, as we know even he has a sense of self preservation. But instead, Jar Jar allows himself to meet them and become life debted to them so they can’t just get rid of him. He take them to So let’s get the Jedi to our home planet, where Padme just so happens to be the queen. Jar Jar being a native to the planet knows the queen well, and he knows that she’s spunky and will totally go along with the Jedi. So that solves getting her involved. Once they escape the blockade, we find out conveniently that the hyperdrive isn’t working. It makes you wonder how the canada pharmacy device that’s inside the ship gets so damaged from escaping the blockade, or who broke it. The nearest planet it Tatooine, the strategically expected planet where Anakin currently resides. Obviously that’s where they’ll meet him, as Jar Jar is aware, he’s the slave of a junk parts dealer. So boom, Anakin’s a jedi and our plan is going great. Now we’ve got to get the politics straight. Of course Jar Jar knows that Palpatine is Sidious. He helped put him there in the first place. Sidious is Jar Jar’s figure head. The man who will be in charge for him while simultaneously taking the fall in case the plan goes awry. So Jar Jar hires a bounty hunter to try and assassinate padme. He’s of course aware that she’ll have decoys to stand in her place as he remembers that from Episode 1. But he needs a reason to bring Obiwan, and subsequently Anakin, back into her life. So the assassin is told to hire a second assassin so that he can kill her and purposely leave a clue for Obiwan to find so that the clones can be brought in. Two birds with one stone. He’s buy viagra online aware that the jedi order is going to send the more experienced jedi on the case, thus giving the perfect excuse for Anakin and Padme to be left alone and to fall in love. Meanwhile, Jar Jar is sending visions of Anakin’s mother’s death to get him to seek her out. He’s using this as a temptation to Anakin, as the tusken raiders didn’t actually kidnap her, he did and uses them as a simple excuse to convince Anakin that nothing else is going on. The sand people did it, of course. Even though we’ve never seen them do this before, Anakin’s too blinded by rage to think about it. And of course, it was Jar Jar’s plan that Obiwan not be there when this all happens to talk him out of it. So now that Padme is gone, Jar Jar is free to take her place and push the motion in the senate to create the army he secretly wanted this whole time while making Palpatine basically the emperor. Jar Jar was there the whole time, and he pulled all of the strings. It’s even implied that Darth Plagueis created Anakin with the force, and you know what, I think he did. The best part about this theory is it actually wraps up all the loose ends that were originally left with the prequels. If Jar Jar was the mastermind behind it all, and he really did have the power to manipulate the force the way he did, he also had enough back-knowledge to understand how to use his powers effectively, far more effectively than Palpatine did. In fact, I bet you ten bucks that in episode 7, Jar Jar is in charge. It’s why he put Palpatine there in the first place. Just to be his fall guy. Jar Jar you sneaky bitch.

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